Key Arguments

• He is astonished at how long he has delayed living according to the zeal for wisdom that first seized him at nineteen, recognizing that at thirty he is still trapped in the same ‘mire’: "I myself was exceedingly astonished as I anxiously reflected how long a time had elapsed since the nineteenth year of my life, when I began to burn with a zeal for wisdom … And here I was already thirty, and still mucking about in the same mire in a state of indecision."
• He records his recurring rationalizations that postpone decision, including hopes that Faustus will clarify everything and oscillation between Academic skepticism and a cautious openness to Catholic Scripture: "Tomorrow I shall find it; see, it will become perfectly clear, and I shall have no more doubts. Faustus will come and explain everything. What great men the Academic philosophers were! Nothing for the conduct of life can be a matter of assured knowledge. Yet let us seek more diligently and not lose heart. The books of the Church we now know not to contain absurdities."
• He acknowledges that his earlier objections to Catholicism were mistaken and wonders why he hesitates to ‘knock at the door’ of the Church, yet he clutters his mind with practical questions about time, books, and social obligations: "Great hope has been aroused. The Catholic faith does not teach what we thought and we were mistaken in criticizing it. … Why do we hesitate to knock at the door which opens the way to all the rest? Our pupils occupy our mornings; what should we do with the remaining hours? Why do we not investigate our problem? But then when should we go to pay respects to our more influential friends, whose patronage we need?"
• He briefly resolves to let secular ambitions perish and devote himself to truth, invoking the misery of life, the uncertainty of death, and the prospect of post‑mortem punishment or annihilation as reasons for urgency: "‘Let all that perish! Let us set aside these vain and empty ambitions. Let us concentrate ourselves exclusively on the investigation of the truth. Life is a misery, death is uncertain. It may suddenly carry us off. In what state shall we depart this life? Where are we to learn the things we have neglected here? And must we not rather pay for this negligence with punishments?’"
• He argues against the idea that death simply annihilates the mind, appealing to the global diffusion and quality of Christian faith as evidence that God would not so act if the soul perished with the body: "‘But put aside the idea that death can be like that. It is not for nothing, not empty of significance, that the high authority of the Christian faith is diffused throughout the world. The deity would not have done all that for us, in quality and in quantity, if with the body’s death the soul’s life were also destroyed.’"
• Despite this reasoning, he reels back to calculating the sweetness of secular success and the disgrace of giving it up too quickly, conjuring specific ambitions (a provincial governorship, a wealthy wife) as obstacles to conversion: "‘But wait a moment. Secular successes are pleasant. They have no small sweetness of their own. Our motivation is not to be deflected from them by a superficial decision; for it would be a disgrace to return to the secular again. It is a considerable thing to set out to obtain preferment to high office. … It would be necessary to marry a wife with some money to avert the burden of heavy expenditure,15 and that would be the limit of our ambition.’"
• He reflects that these oscillating ‘winds’ blew his heart back and forth while he kept delaying his turn to the Lord, even though each day of delay was also a daily death within: "That was what I used to say, and these winds blew first one way, then the other, pushing my heart to and fro. Time passed by. I ‘delayed turning to the Lord’ and postponed ‘from day to day’ (Ecclus. 5: 8) finding life in you. I did not postpone the fact that every day I was dying within myself."
• He admits that he both sought and fled the happy life because he feared the place where it is found—namely, a God‑centered life without his accustomed sexual pleasures: "I longed for the happy life, but was afraid of the place where it has its seat, and fled from it at the same time as I was seeking for it. I thought I would become very miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of a woman."

Source Quotes

There was no certain source of light which we could grasp after we had abandoned them. xi (18) I myself was exceedingly astonished as I anxiously reflected how long a time had elapsed since the nineteenth year of my life, when I began to burn with a zeal for wisdom, planning that when I had found it I would abandon all the empty hopes and lying follies of hollow ambitions. And here I was already thirty, and still mucking about in the same mire in a state of indecision, avid to enjoy present fugitive delights which were dispersing my concentration, while I was saying: ‘Tomorrow I shall find it; see, it will become perfectly clear, and I shall have no more doubts. Faustus will come and explain everything.

Fixed times must be kept free, hours appointed, for the health of the soul. Great hope has been aroused. The Catholic faith does not teach what we thought and we were mistaken in criticizing it. The Church’s educated men think it wrong to believe that God is bounded by the shape of a human body.

When are we to refresh ourselves by allowing the mind to relax from the tension of anxieties? (19) ‘Let all that perish! Let us set aside these vain and empty ambitions. Let us concentrate ourselves exclusively on the investigation of the truth. Life is a misery, death is uncertain. It may suddenly carry us off. In what state shall we depart this life? Where are we to learn the things we have neglected here?

It is not for nothing, not empty of significance, that the high authority of the Christian faith is diffused throughout the world. The deity would not have done all that for us, in quality and in quantity, if with the body’s death the soul’s life were also destroyed. Why then do we hesitate to abandon secular hopes and to dedicate ourselves wholly to God and the happy life?

Many great men entirely worthy of imitation have combined the married state with a dedication to the study of wisdom.’ (20) That was what I used to say, and these winds blew first one way, then the other, pushing my heart to and fro. Time passed by.

I did not postpone the fact that every day I was dying within myself. I longed for the happy life, but was afraid of the place where it has its seat, and fled from it at the same time as I was seeking for it. I thought I would become very miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of a woman.

I longed for the happy life, but was afraid of the place where it has its seat, and fled from it at the same time as I was seeking for it. I thought I would become very miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of a woman. I did not think the medicine of your mercy could heal that infirmity because I had not tried it.

Key Concepts

• And here I was already thirty, and still mucking about in the same mire in a state of indecision, avid to enjoy present fugitive delights which were dispersing my concentration, while I was saying:
• Tomorrow I shall find it; see, it will become perfectly clear, and I shall have no more doubts.
• Great hope has been aroused. The Catholic faith does not teach what we thought and we were mistaken in criticizing it.
• ‘Let all that perish! Let us set aside these vain and empty ambitions. Let us concentrate ourselves exclusively on the investigation of the truth. Life is a misery, death is uncertain. It may suddenly carry us off. In what state shall we depart this life?
• The deity would not have done all that for us, in quality and in quantity, if with the body’s death the soul’s life were also destroyed.
• That was what I used to say, and these winds blew first one way, then the other, pushing my heart to and fro.
• I longed for the happy life, but was afraid of the place where it has its seat, and fled from it at the same time as I was seeking for it.
• I thought I would become very miserable if I were deprived of the embraces of a woman.

Context

Book VI, sections xi (18–20): Augustine presents an extended interior monologue about his vacillation between the call to seek truth and God in earnest and the enticements of secular advancement and sexual pleasure, revealing the mechanisms of his spiritual procrastination.