Key Arguments

• He notes the contradiction in Lucilius' letter: Lucilius calls someone a friend but immediately says he does not discuss his affairs freely with him, showing that without trust the term 'friend' is being misused.
• He distinguishes a loose, popular use of 'friend' (like saying 'gentlemen' or 'my dear fellow') from the strict meaning of true friendship, implying that the strict meaning involves deep trust.
• He states explicitly that if one looks on anyone as a friend without trusting him as oneself, one 'failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.'
• He lays down the maxim: 'Certainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself,' making judgment of character a precondition for sharing everything.
• He formulates the sequence: 'After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that you must judge,' stressing that evaluation comes before full intimacy.
• He criticizes those who make friends first and judge later, saying they 'put the cart before the horse,' reinforcing that proper procedure is judgment before friendship.
• He advises: 'Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship,' which underscores the seriousness and slowness with which one should grant the title of friend.
• Once the decision is made, he commands that one should 'welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself,' arguing that full openness is essential to genuine friendship.

Source Quotes

Y have sent me a letter by the hand of a ‘friend’ of yours, as you call him. And in the next sentence you warn me to avoid discussing your affairs freely with him, since you are not even in the habit of doing so yourself; in other words you have described him as being a friend and then denied this, in one and the same letter. Now if you were using that word in a kind of popular sense and not according to its strict meaning, and calling him a ‘friend’ in much the same way as we refer to candidates as ‘gentlemen’ or hail someone with the greeting ‘my dear fellow’ if when we meet him his name slips our memory, we can let this pass.

Now if you were using that word in a kind of popular sense and not according to its strict meaning, and calling him a ‘friend’ in much the same way as we refer to candidates as ‘gentlemen’ or hail someone with the greeting ‘my dear fellow’ if when we meet him his name slips our memory, we can let this pass. But if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship. Certainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself.

But if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship. Certainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself. After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that you must judge.

Certainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself. After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that you must judge. Those people who, contrary to Theophrastus’ advice, judge a man after they have made him their friend instead of the other way round, certainly put the cart before the horse.

Those people who, contrary to Theophrastus’ advice, judge a man after they have made him their friend instead of the other way round, certainly put the cart before the horse. Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself. You should, I need hardly say, live in such a way that there is nothing which you could not as easily tell your enemy as keep to yourself; but seeing that certain matters do arise on which convention decrees silence, the things you should share with your friend are all your worries and deliberations.

Key Concepts

• you have described him as being a friend and then denied this, in one and the same letter.
• if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.
• Certainly you should discuss everything with a friend; but before you do so, discuss in your mind the man himself.
• After friendship is formed you must trust, but before that you must judge.
• Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself.

Context

Seneca opens Letter III by responding to Lucilius' description of a 'friend' whom he does not fully trust, using this as a springboard to define true friendship and the proper order of judgment and trust.